Showing posts with label Amazing Malaysian Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amazing Malaysian Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Only in Malaysia!
The Star, Wednesday July 8, 2009
By LYNNE MCGREADY
ALLOW me to begin this article by defining the word “mistake.”
Mistake - “An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.”
Language “mistakes” in Malaysia, and their causes, have distressed me during my eight years in this wonderful country.
Let’s evaluate the “causes” of these language mistakes, shall we?
Are these errors due to “defective judgment”.I think not! Are we, in this country, “deficient” in our knowledge? I can hear a resounding “NO!” from Malaysians all around the world. Well, then this leaves “carelessness” as the cause. Ah, now there is a “kind of hush, all over the world, tonight” ... But I digress.
I have made a list of words and expressions common to Malaysians. Sometimes, I’m not sure whether I should work myself to death to try and change these mistakes or simply start using them myself. I believe their use has become habitual.
I know that many a Malaysian language “guru” has taken up the gauntlet against these expressions and errors. I am simply encouraging them to persevere until a change is finally made.
Follow you home. My first encounter with this expression was in a small town in Perak. My host wanted to tell me that she was going to drive me back to my hotel. Instead, she said: “Lynne, don’t worry I will follow you back to the hotel.” Had our plans changed? Was I going with someone else? Would she be following us in her car? I asked: “Our plans seem to have changed. Who will I be going with?” I was reassured that our plans remained unchanged and I did not pursue the use of expression, (after all she was being kind enough to drive me around her hometown.)
However, eight years since this incident, I am still being “followed home” or “followed to the airport” or “followed to work” in the same car!
Send you back. A very similar experience, but this confused me even more the first time I heard it. This time I thought “not only are my staff going to ‘send’ me with someone else, but we are also going ‘back’ – but back to where? Was I going back to Australia, my apartment, back in time?” I had no idea, until someone explained that “back” meant, “Home of course!” (The face was reading, “Idiot Mat Salleh!”). Got it! So the word “back” in Malaysia means home, right?
Borrow me some money. Admittedly, a few people have “borrowed me” a few ringgit to buy a drink or lunch in the food court. However, wouldn’t they have preferred to just “loan” me the money? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, can we please either: Lend people money e.g. “Ki, can you lend me RM5 please? I will pay you back tomorrow.” “No way, Lynne! You still owe me RM1 from last month.” Borrow money from people e.g. “Ki, may I borrow RM5 please? I will pay you back tomorrow.” “Sure. I can lend you RM10. I am feeling rich at the moment.”
Bring and take. (Let’s not forget “took”). I once had a conversation that went a little like this: “Lynne, if we go to the meeting this Friday, let’s bring our laptop.”
The sentence structure is wrong. When you are looking at or viewing the movement of something from the point of its arrival, use “bring.” e.g. When you visit my home this weekend, please don’t bring me chocolates. When we are looking at or viewing the movement of something from the point of departure, use “take.”e.g. Whenever I go to the Dewan Philharmonic, I must take my shawl. It can get very cold inside the hall.
Open and close the lights. I do understand the issue of language interference. For example, in Malay we say “buka lampu” and “tutup lampu” so a direct translation would be “open and close the light.” However, if we know that it’s not the same in English, shouldn’t we try and make the change? I think we should.
Last time, Kuala Lumpur was such fun. “It still is!” I respond, but what is this “last time” you’re referring to? The 1950s, 60s or the 70s? Let’s be more specific with the last times we are referring to.
“We want to spend you lunch.” Thank you! I would love to have lunch with you and you can spend your money to buy the lunch this time, but please don’t spend me. We spend money, not people. Besides, why would you pay for lunch with something as priceless as me?
“Do you take beef, Lynne?” “I’m sorry? Take it where? The zoo, perhaps?” Well, yes I do like to eat the occasional steak when I can, but I’ll eat it right here at the table, thanks.
“See first.” My first encounter with this expression caused my head to spin and I mean literally. I was in a meeting with my team and I asked one of them if they would like to lead a particular project. Her response was “See first”. I turned around to look and there was nothing or no one there! Well, perhaps, you wanted to think about it, dear friend, but please don’t wait too long, okay? Meanwhile, I’m changing my glasses so I can see first better.
In conclusion, I know that there are many books about the common mistakes made by Malaysians in speaking English. I have also often asked myself if I am being too pedantic about the incorrect use of “follow” being a standard in Malaysian conversation.
However, my fear is that many teachers not only continue to ignore these errors, but also inject them into their students, meaning there will always have to be folks like me writing long articles to tell them “not to say that.”
We all know every country has its own local expressions and slang for English conversation. Coming from Australia, I know this all too well.
However, I feel it’s also essential to know the difference between local and common English usage, or we risk not being understood or taken seriously by our foreign counterparts. In short, shouldn’t we keep our P’s and Q’s for international conferences, and save our wah’s and lah’s for the coffee shops? See first, and let me know ah.
By LYNNE MCGREADY
ALLOW me to begin this article by defining the word “mistake.”
Mistake - “An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.”
Language “mistakes” in Malaysia, and their causes, have distressed me during my eight years in this wonderful country.
Let’s evaluate the “causes” of these language mistakes, shall we?
Are these errors due to “defective judgment”.I think not! Are we, in this country, “deficient” in our knowledge? I can hear a resounding “NO!” from Malaysians all around the world. Well, then this leaves “carelessness” as the cause. Ah, now there is a “kind of hush, all over the world, tonight” ... But I digress.
I have made a list of words and expressions common to Malaysians. Sometimes, I’m not sure whether I should work myself to death to try and change these mistakes or simply start using them myself. I believe their use has become habitual.
I know that many a Malaysian language “guru” has taken up the gauntlet against these expressions and errors. I am simply encouraging them to persevere until a change is finally made.
Follow you home. My first encounter with this expression was in a small town in Perak. My host wanted to tell me that she was going to drive me back to my hotel. Instead, she said: “Lynne, don’t worry I will follow you back to the hotel.” Had our plans changed? Was I going with someone else? Would she be following us in her car? I asked: “Our plans seem to have changed. Who will I be going with?” I was reassured that our plans remained unchanged and I did not pursue the use of expression, (after all she was being kind enough to drive me around her hometown.)
However, eight years since this incident, I am still being “followed home” or “followed to the airport” or “followed to work” in the same car!
Send you back. A very similar experience, but this confused me even more the first time I heard it. This time I thought “not only are my staff going to ‘send’ me with someone else, but we are also going ‘back’ – but back to where? Was I going back to Australia, my apartment, back in time?” I had no idea, until someone explained that “back” meant, “Home of course!” (The face was reading, “Idiot Mat Salleh!”). Got it! So the word “back” in Malaysia means home, right?
Borrow me some money. Admittedly, a few people have “borrowed me” a few ringgit to buy a drink or lunch in the food court. However, wouldn’t they have preferred to just “loan” me the money? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, can we please either: Lend people money e.g. “Ki, can you lend me RM5 please? I will pay you back tomorrow.” “No way, Lynne! You still owe me RM1 from last month.” Borrow money from people e.g. “Ki, may I borrow RM5 please? I will pay you back tomorrow.” “Sure. I can lend you RM10. I am feeling rich at the moment.”
Bring and take. (Let’s not forget “took”). I once had a conversation that went a little like this: “Lynne, if we go to the meeting this Friday, let’s bring our laptop.”
The sentence structure is wrong. When you are looking at or viewing the movement of something from the point of its arrival, use “bring.” e.g. When you visit my home this weekend, please don’t bring me chocolates. When we are looking at or viewing the movement of something from the point of departure, use “take.”e.g. Whenever I go to the Dewan Philharmonic, I must take my shawl. It can get very cold inside the hall.
Open and close the lights. I do understand the issue of language interference. For example, in Malay we say “buka lampu” and “tutup lampu” so a direct translation would be “open and close the light.” However, if we know that it’s not the same in English, shouldn’t we try and make the change? I think we should.
Last time, Kuala Lumpur was such fun. “It still is!” I respond, but what is this “last time” you’re referring to? The 1950s, 60s or the 70s? Let’s be more specific with the last times we are referring to.
“We want to spend you lunch.” Thank you! I would love to have lunch with you and you can spend your money to buy the lunch this time, but please don’t spend me. We spend money, not people. Besides, why would you pay for lunch with something as priceless as me?
“Do you take beef, Lynne?” “I’m sorry? Take it where? The zoo, perhaps?” Well, yes I do like to eat the occasional steak when I can, but I’ll eat it right here at the table, thanks.
“See first.” My first encounter with this expression caused my head to spin and I mean literally. I was in a meeting with my team and I asked one of them if they would like to lead a particular project. Her response was “See first”. I turned around to look and there was nothing or no one there! Well, perhaps, you wanted to think about it, dear friend, but please don’t wait too long, okay? Meanwhile, I’m changing my glasses so I can see first better.
In conclusion, I know that there are many books about the common mistakes made by Malaysians in speaking English. I have also often asked myself if I am being too pedantic about the incorrect use of “follow” being a standard in Malaysian conversation.
However, my fear is that many teachers not only continue to ignore these errors, but also inject them into their students, meaning there will always have to be folks like me writing long articles to tell them “not to say that.”
We all know every country has its own local expressions and slang for English conversation. Coming from Australia, I know this all too well.
However, I feel it’s also essential to know the difference between local and common English usage, or we risk not being understood or taken seriously by our foreign counterparts. In short, shouldn’t we keep our P’s and Q’s for international conferences, and save our wah’s and lah’s for the coffee shops? See first, and let me know ah.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Will You Give Me A Calf?
If you have been following the current political scene in Malaysia, read on. Whoever wrote this joke that is circulating the internet now is really an avid political fan. And, he or she is probably on the other side of the fence too.
JOKE starts....
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
JOKE starts....
A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Lakbir.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Lakbir says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says Lakbir.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered Lakbir. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Joke of the day : The Story About 4 cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer.
The second man was an Accountant.
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned With a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Mahathir's Visit To The Bomoh
During the Mahathir's Era...
One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how another neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.
Bomoh: Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.
One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how another neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.
One of his aides said, I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country.
Dr M thought if that is the case Malaysia Boleh also, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country. After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there are 2 things that he must do:
Dr M thought if that is the case Malaysia Boleh also, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country. After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there are 2 things that he must do:
Bomoh: Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.
Dr M: But Why?
Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for: "Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks". You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.
Bomoh: Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.
Dr M: What, why him?
Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for: "A Nation Without Any Ringgit".
Dr M: But how? This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.
Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR, see what it stands for!! "Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly"
Bomoh: Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.
Dr M: What, why him?
Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for: "A Nation Without Any Ringgit".
Dr M: But how? This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.
Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR, see what it stands for!! "Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly"
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)